FUN THINGS TO DO TO TELEMARKETERS

FUN THINGS TO DO TO TELEMARKETERS

Talk really fast.

Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can't hear them over the static.

Turn on the TV and turn on a televangelist and ask them to hold on and leave it by the speakers.

Make up your own language. Speak it.

Hang up.

Make up a one word language. Speak it.

Say, "This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?"

If they say "Yes" to say, "Please state the nature of the emergency." Then insist that their emergency isn't an emergency. Hang up.

If they say "No" to say, "I'm sorry but this line is for emergencies only." Hang up.

Pretend you just took hostages, and make demands.

Pretend that you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get the telemarketer to release the hostages.

Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a meatball sub.

Answer the phone and say, "Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better pay up or else I'm gonna come over there and hurt you! "

Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn't ringing.

Claim to be the mafia.

Say, "Moe's tavern Moe speaking."

Say something that Moe would say to Bart after Bart makes a prank call.

Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper subscription.

Say, "Oh no! It's the Feds! They're on to us!"

Claim to be the FBI. Say, "This is the Federal Bureau of Investigation. How may I help you?"

Speak a foreign language.

If you do and the telemarketer gets a person who speaks the language you used, speak another language, use a made up language, or say that you were speaking English the whole time.

Say in a frantic voice, "Help! I'm being robbed! He's got a gun!"

Communicate only through Morse code.

Talk to the telemarketer. During the conversation dial the phone, and ask for Bill. Do this repeatedly.

Try to sell the telemarketer something.

Turn on your shower. Say that you are on a portable phone and are really late for an important meeting. Scream as though you were electrocuted.

Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a strong scent of bacon over the phone.

Ask if he/she has been to Australia. Regardless of his/her answer ask if you can buy a boomerang and didgeridoo.

If he/she says "No" insist that he/she buy yours.

If he/she says "Yes" ask if he/she will take a strange currency.

Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like, "They'll never catch me again," "No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!" After saying one of these mutter incoherently.

Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won't buy because you couldn't see him/her dance.

Make him/her sing to get a sale.

If a male sings claim that he sounds like Brittany Spears.

If a female sings claim that she sounds like Barry White.

Pretend to be really interested. Then say, "No."

Engage him/her in an "intellectual" conversation on an extremely boring subject.

Say nothing until he/she hangs up.

Say, "I told you. I don't know where your dog is!" Then hang up.

Keep crackers near the phone. When a telemarketer calls eat the crackers. Chew loudly, make slurping noises, and talk with your mouth full. If you want pretend that you are choking.

After he/she hangs up, use *69 or Caller ID to get the phone number. Call the telemarketer.

Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim that you need some time to think, and that you'll get back to them.

If he/she is selling a newspaper or magazine, go on and on about how great another newspaper/magazine is.

Pretend you are a telemarketer from a rival company. Get him/her to buy your product.

Say, "Yes" immediately to whatever they are selling and hang up immediately afterwards.

7 Words You Can't Say in Church

George Carlin passed away.   I always kinda liked Carlin, except for a few of his neurotic  tendencies.  I know that is not what you would expect a pastor to write about Carlin posthumously, or at this point you'd expect the other shoe to drop.  Well, although I am sure there are things I could write about that I disagreed with him, that's not my point right now.  I don't get a kick out of anyone's death.  I'm not happy that he died.  He had some redeeming qualities.  He knew how to make you laugh at the most obscure things.  "Why do they lock the restroom doors at the gas station?  Are they afraid someone is going to clean it?"

The things that bothered me about Carlin didn't include his skepticism.  I like skeptics.  I tend to be one.  A skeptical pastor, you ask?  Sure.  Everyone knows the biggest skeptic of the 12 disciples- Thomas.  He seems to take a lot of flack for being a big doubter.  However, you would think that Jesus would have scorned him in a huge way for being such a doubter.  Instead, Jesus tells him to stick his finger in his hand, and his hand in his side.  Go ahead, he said.  Even in Hebrews the Bible says that faith is the *substance* of things hoped for, the *evidence* of things not seen. 

I think the problem with the so called *skeptics* is that they have turned long ago into being full fledged card carrying cynics.  What's the difference?  A skeptic keeps looking.  A doubter asks questions and searches for answers.  A cynic already has his mind made up.  Yesterday at church we talked about Noah.  In Noah's day, there weren't any skeptics from what we read, they were cynics.   They stopped caring.  Noah was different.  He obeyed God.  Did he doubt at times?  I don't know, but I would have.  I'm sure he must have, but he kept asking questions, searching for answers and didn't turn into a cynic and still obeyed.

So, Carlin- skeptic or cynic?  Actually he was a self proclaimed atheist.  Hmm, not anymore.  It's a shame.  I keep hearing that Newsboys song in my head- "They Don't Serve Breakfast in Hell."

Will Someone Shut that Rooster Up?

As I was mowing the grass today I started thinking about my life as a "pastor."  The accolades, the pats on the back, the constant cheers, notes of encouragement left anonymously on the windshield, the riches, the fame- ah, who am I kidding.  You know better than that, right? I've never had so many enemies for nothing.  Well, I've said from day one that I didn't want to be treated like a "normal pastor," whatever that is.  I wanted to be treated like everyone else.  I AM like everyone else.  I might have a different vocation, but I'm just like everyone else.  Don't call me Rev. or whatever, just call me John or what you are comfortable calling me.  Somewhere along the way, someone stuck us in the flippin fishbowl when I wasn't looking.  I never claimed to be Jesus.  I never said I was perfect.  However, I can identify with some things the Bible says Jesus went through a little.  So many times I've had people tell me (usually just after someone else betrays me) "I'd never do that to you John."  I always tell them, "never say never" (Peter/Judas).  Inevitably, and usually within a short period of time, it happens.  I wonder if they ever hear a rooster crow after about the third time they do it. Does anything remind them of the words they recently spoke?  Usually it happens because of something they've "heard" or a misunderstanding or something ridiculous.  Ya know, 1 Tim. 5.19 says "Do not listen to complaints against an elder unless there are two or three witnesses against him."  Again, am I perfect?  Never claimed to be.  But have we done anything that deserves the gossip and character assassination that befalls us at times?  We certainly haven't had two or three witnesses come to us with anything of any substance, or anything at all for that matter.  Can we get the benefit of the doubt once in a while?  Everyone else demands a second chance.  A few times I've given that second chance and others get bent out of shape because of it.  But I'm sure they would have wanted it too, eh?  Why don't I get the second chance?  No grace for the "man of the cloth?"  Why not just talk to me like I was your friend?   Too many distractions- Maybe the rooster is making too much noise?   

watchu talkin bout willis?

I have a new dream car:::

My dream car for the last 17 or so years has been the Nissan 300zx.

Drove a few... an old '88, a '90 and a '92. They stopped importing them in '96 I believe. I didn't think we'd see anymore in the US. But, the 350z arrived a few years ago. It took me some time to get used to it, but it grew on me. I kinda like it.

Now, recently I have been reintroduced to a model that will make a comeback in '09. Not sure if I will ever end up with one. The brand reliability is a very scary thing. But these retro style cars are making a serious comeback. Ford has restyled the Mustang to look more like the old models. Mopar (Chrysler) has also attempted to bring back the Charger. Now Chevy has kicked in with a blast from the past- the Camaro. I loved the 69 model. Now the 09 is going to resemble a little more of that early ancestry of curves and lines. If I win the lottery and have a chance at a blue one- look out! For now, I'll salivate over the pic of the silver one.

Another movie review- Great one- Invincible

It's football's "Rocky!" Great movie. We had a group of about 14 of our guys from church to go see it. They all loved it. The majority of us are Eagles fans anyway. Football season is upon us. We love underdog stories, especially when it seems that one of us 'regular' guys gets a shot at something like that. We all feel the pressure Vince felt of not being able to make it in life. Then he loses his sub. teaching job and his wife leaves him. When she does, she takes everything and leaves him a note that pretty much calls him a loser. (SPOILER WARNING) He carries that stupid note around to motivate him I guess. One of the greatest parts of the movie is when he tears that note up. I think his greatest motivation must have been when he was driving around (feeling like he wasn't going to make it any farther) and sees a kid playing football in an empty lot with his #83 on his shirt in masking tape. He overcomes great odds by becoming a walk on player, the regular players hate him, he takes physical beatings on the field and he deals with naysayers off the field as well. Here's a review from Focus on the Family. http://www.pluggedinonline.com/movies/movies/a0002847.cfm

Pluto gets short end of the stick

Pluto has been a planet in our solar system since Clyde Tombaugh discovered it in 1930. I think the International Astronomical Union, or IAU is prejudiced against things that are small and don't go along the same paths that everyone else does. Maybe they don't like Pluto the dog either?

I wonder at this point whether or not teachers and the like will follow the new guideline and accept it with open arms. I've always had an affinity for Pluto (the Disney dog and the planet). I'm a big guy and not obsessed with other big things. Small things fascinate me more. So, I like Pluto, out there on it's own, the underdog of sorts, doing its own thing. Ya gotta admire that.